Yelling, discipline, and respect

(read time 3 minutes)

Ok. I know that James Dobson said this, but I can't find it anywhere on the internet. This is about discipline and yelling.

Children don't like when parents yell. When asked what they like the least, children will tell you "I don't like when my parents yell."

James Dobson gave this example: When a police officer walks up to a car, and pulls out his book, the person in the car is very respectful. Respect comes from the word "fear." A person who gets pulled over is respectful because they are afraid of what the police officer will do next.

If a police officer is not given any authority, except to stand on the corner and yell at the cars that are speeding as they go by, the cars will not respond the same way. I suppose some of the drivers might even laugh as they go by. So, you can see by this example that yelling will not accomplish anything.

So what is it that parents should be doing? First of all, be consistent. Don't give a severe punishment for something today, and then laugh at the same infraction the next day. Try to make the punishment fit the crime. If a child is mean to another, that child should to the offended's bidding (within reason). In many cases, time out still works.

If you must use corporal punishment, and occasionally that is indicated, spanking isn't the only way. Pressure points can be a good alternative to spanking. Also, menial tasks can sometimes curb defiance, Especially when the menial task fits the offense. For instance, you missed the bus, so you wash the breakfast dishes. I didn't have time to do the breakfast dishes because I had to drop you at school.

Don't keep repeating yourself. Often a child will wonder at what point the parent really wants something done. It could even become a game. When was the last time you asked "how many times do I need to tell you to do..."? The answer should be ONE. If you tell a child three times to do something before he does what he is told, that will be the expectation on both of your parts. Sometimes, it helps to be specific. "Get the dishes done before 7:00 pm." That way, both of you know exactly what is expected.

Also, be honest. If a child asks "do you have $10" don't say "no" to avoid an argument. Just say "yes, and you can't have it." You shouldn't feel the need to lie to avoid exercising authority. Your children probably know when you lie, and will return the favor of lying when they want to avoid confrontation. Sometimes, they will lie anyway, but don't give them a bad example.

Finally, rewards are a better motivator than fear. Try not to use food for rewards, though, because that can cause dysfunctional eating habbits. It is amazing what a child will do for money. I had an experience where a child would complain about everything. So, I gave her 10 pennies. If she wanted to complain, she would pay a penny. At the end of the day, she got to keep all the pennies she didn't use. The complaining dropped dramatically.

I found in younger children that there is an inverse relationship between time watching TV or playing video games, and grades. If the grades go down, it was caused by too much TV or video games or computer games. I would give two days without TV or video games for an F, or a week without if it was a test. Not only is it a good motivator, but the extra time away from entertainment portals gives the brain more time to concentrate and pay attention in class.